lose money man

The completely wrong approach to improving your property. Some stupid ideas for stupid people

We all like to make our house as good as it can possibly be, however while there are many ways to improve your home for the better, it’s important to take the right approach with DIY and home improvements, or you could end up losing money instead.

Rather than write an article espusing this, that and six other things you can do to your house, we thought to take the reverse approach and give advice which should NOT be taken!

If you do the opposite of what I’m going to explain, you may actually SAVE money.

How to lose money by home improvements that are not worth the money.

First and foremost this is of course a light hearted article. 🙂

Here is how to chuck away your hard earned cash on stuff around the house.

This is probably the only page on this website that we reccomend you do not take the advice!

Make sure your windows are single glazed.

Yep, in cold weather, single glazing is great for keeping the house nice and freezing cold and they are cheap too, so make sure you pay the TOP PRICE for them, from a company who look like they are going bust any minute, with a “receptionist” who may have possibly been in prison until the day before.

Single glazing ensures maximum heat loss
Single glazing ensures maximum heat loss

Don’t bother reading any online consumer reviews, just use gut feeling. (!)

Always ensure that you do NOT paint your single glazed windows, because that allows the wood to rot, eventually causing the glazing bars to fall out, with the pane of glass not far behind, and hey presto, even more cold weather can come in. Great!

This also applies to doors.

Make sure your front door doesn’t shut properly, and is never locked, and don’t ever paint it.

First impressions count, and doing that makes sure everyone knows you enjoy losing money and many people will approach you after taking this advice in the hope that some of your skills will rub off on them too.

Forget draught-proofing, fresh air never hurt anyone!

Make sure the gap at the base of your doors, especially external doors, is a nice big gap, to allow all that lovely fresh air to come into the house, keeping you on your toes, literally, especially if you take this advice too literally and the gap is so big the cat stops using the cat flap and just walks underneath the door.

how to lose money

Forget insulation!

Yep, for a nice cold house, insulation is your worst enemy and should be avoided at all costs.

There are many ways of insulating a house, the most common one being loft insulation, and when it’s been proven that most heat escapes from the home through the roof.

Make sure you rip it all out, chuck it away, and you can enjoy all your heating (which of course must be on full, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week), to go up through the roof and give the birds nice warm feet.

Talking of insulation…

If your home has cavity walls, make sure to locate the drill holes where the insulation was installed, and drill them out to gain access to the tiny polystyrene beads inside.

Then, with an industrial vacuum cleaner, suck out the insulation, and then maybe fill as many bean bags as you possibly can and sell them at a car boot sale.

Very cheaply of course, so as to waste the maximum amount of money, in fact, try to give them away free.

External wall insulation? Now why would I want that?!

If you do not have cavity walls and maybe live in an older style house with solid walls, you can be assured that if you enjoy wasting money, do not have exterior wall insulation fitted as you can be sure that if you contacted us to fit the insulation, your heating bills would plummet, actually SAVING YOU MONEY, which of course you wouldn’t want.


Stop losing money and get the house fixed and painted!

And finally, our last tip is for the exterior.

To lose money most effectively, your home exterior must always be kept in poor condition.

Allow plants to grow out of the gutters, ignore any repairs needed, and make sure you allow ideal conditions for damp to start.

Once that does, and the black mould spores start to appear on the internal walls, you can be assured that your health with deteriorate nicely and if you allow the damp to spread, it could be no time at all for a long stay in the hospital with those nice doctors and nurses.

What if temptation gets the better of you and you call a house painter instead?

You can either….. contact only ONE exterior wall coating specialist, and make sure you decline any discounts or deals, and accept the first, usually inflated, price they give you.

Make sure you pay cash, in fact pay the lot up front, in used notes, and decline any receipt.

Make sure this surveyor who comes to see you from a home improvement firm has fresh prison tattoos, scars and bruises, and brings a dog on a rope with him.

If his name is “Dangerous Darren” or “Mental Mike” all the better.

Place 100% trust in them, making sure any cash hidden around the house is pointed out to him at the start of the 4 hour sales meeting.

….or do what everyone else does and call in 4 or 5 companies to give you quotes and make sure you choose the MOST EXPENSIVE which is rarely the best i may add.

Home improvement salesman

If they have a “Home improvement plan” (.e. super high interest finance) all the better, make you accept that, and offer to pay for your neighbours house to be painted too, of course, at the top price, AND give them a decision tonight.

If you don’t have the cash in the house, don’t worry, simply leave your credit card and PIN number with Mental mike and he’ll take care of everything, honest.

 So do you want to save money or waste it this year?

So I hope the article today gave you some food for thought about what NOT TO DO in relation to home improvements and maintenance about the house.

If you ever want free advice, you only have to call us , even the call is free, on 0800 970 4928

Disclaimer: the above article is a light hearted spoof of what you should NOT do, and you would be advised to NOT take any advice on this page seriously!

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